How?

Here is how I would love to respond to some people when they ask how we can keep trying, over and over...

How….

How do you muster the will to “try again”?

How do you endure months of injections, fertility med, charting and ovulation tests?

How do you find the desire to be intimate when everything is “timed”?

How do you make it through two weeks of waiting, agonizing over what might be?

How does your mind make you actually believe that you feel pregnant?

How are you strong enough to not fall apart when you see that negative result?

How do you tell people, “Nope, not this month” without breaking down?

How does the heart manage to heal, time and time again?

How can you mourn the loss of something you never had?

How?

The possibility…

Of one day seeing a positive result.

Of seeing a tiny circle on the ultrasound and a smile on the doctor’s face.

Of feeling a kick inside your stomach. The feeling that everyone describes as “amazing”.

Of learning the sex and being able to buy blue or pink.

Of going through labor, pain and all, to have that baby laid on your chest and see him/her take their first breath.

Of taking YOUR baby to YOUR home, where they will receive your unconditional love and count on you to make it in life.

Of seeing that first smile, first giggle first word and all of their small but joyous achievements.

Of realizing that it was ALL worth the wait….

Been waaaay too long...

To everyone that follows my blog, I am so sorry that I haven't updated in awhile. My last round of clomid didn't work. I didn't even ovulate. Which means that I haven't ovulated once since I had my surgery. That really scares me...

I have been enjoying the time away from it all though, and I think this break is really going to help me. But with that said, I have a friend who just had her sweet baby boy on Thursday. What really makes me sad is that I was only 3 weeks behind her in my pregnancy. If I would have carried our baby to full term, he/she would be getting ready to make an appearance also... So I've been pretty sad lately. I sometimes wish I could completely block the month of May, 2010 from my mind. How could the best day of my life, and the worst day of my life, both happen within a 2 week period??

Anyway, I'm trying not to think about it, but as you all know, that's just not possible.

Last one for awhile...

Short post...

I started my last round of clomid today. Well, my last round for awhile. I'm excited. I really am. And not just because I think it's going to work this time. But also because if it doesn't, I am looking forward to taking a break for a few months (shooting for 6 months but we'll see how that goes). My doctor bumped me up to 150mg since I didn't ovulate the last 2 cycles. 150mg is what I got pregnant on the last time. Could we be so lucky??

Now, speaking of clomid, I am NOT looking forward to the next 5 days. I have warned my husband (once again), so at least this time he's prepared.

I have also been doing really good on my diet. Only lost 2 lbs, but for 4 days, that's pretty good I think. No soda or fast food and I've also been walking at least a mile after work every day. It wears me out but hopefully before long, I'll be used to it and can gradually increase the distance.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Why....

I wonder how many times I've said and thought that one little word throughout this whole thing. Why not me? Why not now? Why us?

Found out last night that my best friend ever is pregnant. We (her, me and two of our other friends) had talked about how cool it would be to be pregnant at the same time. To set up play dates for our children who would grow up together. Well, now I'm the odd man out because I'm the only one who isn't pregnant. How is it that I can be so extremely happy for her but so sad at the same time? I feel like a bad person for feeling this way... I love her, and she deserves this more than anything. But...

why

not

me....

I cried all night last night. She was the one I went to when I was sad or when I heard that someone else was pregnant. What am I supposed to do now? I will say that she is the most understanding person I've ever met. Numerous times she told me "I want you to be able to express any emotion you have... happy and/or sad". She understands that this is hard for me. And I will say, that does help... a lot...

My husband tried to make me feel better. I'm just so tired of hearing "all in God's timing" or "it will happen when He thinks it's time". I really believe all of that. It's just that I can only hear that a certain amount of times before I snap. Was it God's timing when a 23 year old girl from my town decided to smother her 2 month old baby for an hour until he died?? Was it God's timing when the step mom from a surrounding town decided to put her 2 year old in scalding hot bath water to kill her?? This is exactly why I     JUST    DON'T     UNDERSTAND....

So, I have concluded that we will go through one more month of fertility medicine and doctor's appointments. After that, I'm taking a long break. The stress is killing me. I need to concentrate on myself. I'm going to try to get healthier, lose some weight. Who knows, maybe that's what it'll take to finally get pregnant. I have quite a few people who don't think a break is the right thing to do. But I feel that it's best for me. No more monthly med, no more charting my temp, and no more scheduling of sex...

I feel defeated...

Bad night...

I better start a few months back so that this story is easier to explain. My husband "J", has 1 brother "M". Neither one have had any children so my in-laws have yet to experience grandchildren. When we told them we were expecting in May, they were ecstatic! Well, to say the least, it was a huge disappointment for everyone when we lost the baby... Now, his brother just got married about a month or 2 ago. We knew they both wanted kids and were planning on starting as soon as they got married. But I figured it would take awhile before it actually happened.

I got home last night and J asked me if I was in a good mood. That's never a good question. I asked why and his response was "I don't wanna put you in a bad mood if you're in a good one right now". As soon as he said that I knew. My response was not good. I'm a little ashamed but it was somewhere along the lines of "that's messed up". Just not so nice... I tried not to think about it but I couldn't help it. So, I finally just decided to go for a drive. A long drive... I had a talk with God and somehow ended up at the lake about 45 min away from our house. And on the way back I stopped by my parent's house since I was in the area. My mom has a way of making me feel better no matter what is wrong. I'm a 27 year old adult and I can still admit that I need my mom....

I felt so guilty about how I was feeling but I really wanted to be able to give my in-laws their first grand child. When I told my mom, she said "well hun, you kinda did." And she's right. Even though we don't have our baby, it doesn't mean that we never did...

I'm very happy for them so please don't think I'm a selfish person for feeling the way I did. I guess maybe it just hit me at a bad time. But today has been much better. I'm so thankful for my family and great friends that always seem to know exactly what to say to make things better.

On a side note, I'm very glad that today is Wednesday and almost over! I'm ready for a couple days of no work...

Gettin' Close

So it's getting close to time to do the baby dance again. I sure hope this is it. So glad to be off the clomid; that was one rough week lol. Now I'm just on the metformin for my pcos. I'm thinkin' about starting a diet again. Not sure why, it never seems to get me anywhere but I know it's because I don't try hard enough...

Oh, and I'm very happy to have 3 followers! I know that's a pretty low #, but I really didn't expect to have anybody follow me. So I'm happy : ) So thanks you 3!

Today is cycle day 11, and I usually ovulate on day 15. This past weekend I had some really sharp pains in my lower right side. Just like the pains I had with the ectopic in May. It scared me pretty bad but I had done some things that I don't normally do Saturday morning so I'm thinking it was just some muscles that haven't been used since my surgery. I'm pretty sure that's what it was because I haven't had any pain since Saturday night. Not sure what I'd do if I had another ectopic pregnancy. I seriously don't think I could handle it again. The pain and recovery were terrible, but the emotional aspect of it was much worse. I still cry every once in awhile when I think about it. I would have been 25 weeks along on Thursday : (

Anyway, I try not to think about it too much. It doesn't really do me any good to wonder "why me"... I know it's going to happen for us, we just have to be patient and let it happen in God's time.

Oh, I almost forgot! We changed the spare bedroom over to a nursery this weekend! It looks so good. I keep going in there, wondering what it will be like to rock our baby to sleep in there... I can' t wait. I'll post pics once we get the walls painted.

Hope everybody is having a great week so far!

The Clomid Swings

AKA - Mood Swings.

So today is day 2 of taking clomid and OMG!!! I snapped at my husband this morning. When I told him that I didn't sleep well at all, he suggested that I take some med to help me sleep. Famous last words of a fool. I was so frustrated that after almost a year of this crap, he didn't remember that I wouldn't take any other meds with clomid to avoid the possible counter action or whatever you call it. BUT, with that said, I fully admit that I overreacted. He left early for work to give me time to cool down. Very good idea...

My boss is an absolute jerk and the most annoying guy on the face of the earth!!! He likes to pick on me. And not just here and there, ALL THE TIME. From sending me emails on how to be healthier, making fun of me for carrying a tan cordoroy purse in the middle of summer, reminding me that I shouldn't wear white anymore, telling me my styofoam cups are contributing to global warming, asking if I actually scanned the HUGE stack of papers that were on my desk or if I just threw them away, and I could go on but I don't want to. HE IS A JERK!!!! And these clomid swings are not helping with it today. Thanks God tomorrow is Friday!

I've been charting my temperater this cycle and so far, it doesn't look good. It's very up and down. There's no consistancy to it at all. But, I'm trying to remain positive. Really, I am. Anyway, I'm having another hot flash so I'm going to go get some more ice water. Oh, and I just realized it's almost 6 so I can get the h e double hockey sticks outta here!