Why....

I wonder how many times I've said and thought that one little word throughout this whole thing. Why not me? Why not now? Why us?

Found out last night that my best friend ever is pregnant. We (her, me and two of our other friends) had talked about how cool it would be to be pregnant at the same time. To set up play dates for our children who would grow up together. Well, now I'm the odd man out because I'm the only one who isn't pregnant. How is it that I can be so extremely happy for her but so sad at the same time? I feel like a bad person for feeling this way... I love her, and she deserves this more than anything. But...

why

not

me....

I cried all night last night. She was the one I went to when I was sad or when I heard that someone else was pregnant. What am I supposed to do now? I will say that she is the most understanding person I've ever met. Numerous times she told me "I want you to be able to express any emotion you have... happy and/or sad". She understands that this is hard for me. And I will say, that does help... a lot...

My husband tried to make me feel better. I'm just so tired of hearing "all in God's timing" or "it will happen when He thinks it's time". I really believe all of that. It's just that I can only hear that a certain amount of times before I snap. Was it God's timing when a 23 year old girl from my town decided to smother her 2 month old baby for an hour until he died?? Was it God's timing when the step mom from a surrounding town decided to put her 2 year old in scalding hot bath water to kill her?? This is exactly why I     JUST    DON'T     UNDERSTAND....

So, I have concluded that we will go through one more month of fertility medicine and doctor's appointments. After that, I'm taking a long break. The stress is killing me. I need to concentrate on myself. I'm going to try to get healthier, lose some weight. Who knows, maybe that's what it'll take to finally get pregnant. I have quite a few people who don't think a break is the right thing to do. But I feel that it's best for me. No more monthly med, no more charting my temp, and no more scheduling of sex...

I feel defeated...