Bad night...

I better start a few months back so that this story is easier to explain. My husband "J", has 1 brother "M". Neither one have had any children so my in-laws have yet to experience grandchildren. When we told them we were expecting in May, they were ecstatic! Well, to say the least, it was a huge disappointment for everyone when we lost the baby... Now, his brother just got married about a month or 2 ago. We knew they both wanted kids and were planning on starting as soon as they got married. But I figured it would take awhile before it actually happened.

I got home last night and J asked me if I was in a good mood. That's never a good question. I asked why and his response was "I don't wanna put you in a bad mood if you're in a good one right now". As soon as he said that I knew. My response was not good. I'm a little ashamed but it was somewhere along the lines of "that's messed up". Just not so nice... I tried not to think about it but I couldn't help it. So, I finally just decided to go for a drive. A long drive... I had a talk with God and somehow ended up at the lake about 45 min away from our house. And on the way back I stopped by my parent's house since I was in the area. My mom has a way of making me feel better no matter what is wrong. I'm a 27 year old adult and I can still admit that I need my mom....

I felt so guilty about how I was feeling but I really wanted to be able to give my in-laws their first grand child. When I told my mom, she said "well hun, you kinda did." And she's right. Even though we don't have our baby, it doesn't mean that we never did...

I'm very happy for them so please don't think I'm a selfish person for feeling the way I did. I guess maybe it just hit me at a bad time. But today has been much better. I'm so thankful for my family and great friends that always seem to know exactly what to say to make things better.

On a side note, I'm very glad that today is Wednesday and almost over! I'm ready for a couple days of no work...

Gettin' Close

So it's getting close to time to do the baby dance again. I sure hope this is it. So glad to be off the clomid; that was one rough week lol. Now I'm just on the metformin for my pcos. I'm thinkin' about starting a diet again. Not sure why, it never seems to get me anywhere but I know it's because I don't try hard enough...

Oh, and I'm very happy to have 3 followers! I know that's a pretty low #, but I really didn't expect to have anybody follow me. So I'm happy : ) So thanks you 3!

Today is cycle day 11, and I usually ovulate on day 15. This past weekend I had some really sharp pains in my lower right side. Just like the pains I had with the ectopic in May. It scared me pretty bad but I had done some things that I don't normally do Saturday morning so I'm thinking it was just some muscles that haven't been used since my surgery. I'm pretty sure that's what it was because I haven't had any pain since Saturday night. Not sure what I'd do if I had another ectopic pregnancy. I seriously don't think I could handle it again. The pain and recovery were terrible, but the emotional aspect of it was much worse. I still cry every once in awhile when I think about it. I would have been 25 weeks along on Thursday : (

Anyway, I try not to think about it too much. It doesn't really do me any good to wonder "why me"... I know it's going to happen for us, we just have to be patient and let it happen in God's time.

Oh, I almost forgot! We changed the spare bedroom over to a nursery this weekend! It looks so good. I keep going in there, wondering what it will be like to rock our baby to sleep in there... I can' t wait. I'll post pics once we get the walls painted.

Hope everybody is having a great week so far!

The Clomid Swings

AKA - Mood Swings.

So today is day 2 of taking clomid and OMG!!! I snapped at my husband this morning. When I told him that I didn't sleep well at all, he suggested that I take some med to help me sleep. Famous last words of a fool. I was so frustrated that after almost a year of this crap, he didn't remember that I wouldn't take any other meds with clomid to avoid the possible counter action or whatever you call it. BUT, with that said, I fully admit that I overreacted. He left early for work to give me time to cool down. Very good idea...

My boss is an absolute jerk and the most annoying guy on the face of the earth!!! He likes to pick on me. And not just here and there, ALL THE TIME. From sending me emails on how to be healthier, making fun of me for carrying a tan cordoroy purse in the middle of summer, reminding me that I shouldn't wear white anymore, telling me my styofoam cups are contributing to global warming, asking if I actually scanned the HUGE stack of papers that were on my desk or if I just threw them away, and I could go on but I don't want to. HE IS A JERK!!!! And these clomid swings are not helping with it today. Thanks God tomorrow is Friday!

I've been charting my temperater this cycle and so far, it doesn't look good. It's very up and down. There's no consistancy to it at all. But, I'm trying to remain positive. Really, I am. Anyway, I'm having another hot flash so I'm going to go get some more ice water. Oh, and I just realized it's almost 6 so I can get the h e double hockey sticks outta here!

Starting to get nervous...

So my typical period lasts 5 days and is usually very heavy. But for some reason this one was only 3 days and wasn't bad at all. Most people would be happy about that but it makes me wonder if this is going to be a short, messed up cycle. Should I still take clomid days 5-9? Am I going to ovulate early? Will I start my next period early? See what I mean? I hate worrying about all of this and would just love to go 1 week without thinking about it.... Easier said than done. So, I guess I'll just do what my doctor originally told me to do and pray that this is our month.

Short post today because I just don't have a lot to say...

I don't like how my head plays tricks on me...

So even though my doctor said he could tell by my bbt chart that I didn't ovulate last month, I still got myself excited. Smells got to me, I felt nauseous, had to pee a lot and I made it to day 36 of my cycle. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I get so excited every month, only to be let down when AF shows up? I have discovered that I'm not the only one who does that though. My best friend "C" and her husband "K" are actually trying to conceive too. And last month she had many pregnancy symptoms, but no baby... I pray that they don't have to go through what we've went through.

Anyway, I am soooo glad it's Friday. We're supposed to go out of town tomorrow with my husband's parents. It'll be nice to get my mind off things for awhile. Sunday, I'll be taking my niece and nephew's school pictures since photography is something I do on the side. Looking forward to that also.

Been reading a lot of infertility blogs lately and it's nice to know that we're not alone in our struggle. Although if it were up to me, everyone going through this would finally get their little miracle. One way or another. I also finished a really cute blue baby blanket last week that I had started crocheting over a year ago. I had forgotten all about it. And since I have a blue one, I figured I'd better make a pink one too, just in case lol. I tried to post pictures but since I have no clue what I'm doing, I was unsuccessful...

Scratch that, I figured it out. Well, I better get back to work. Oh, and I promise I'll get better at this whole "blogging" thing. Just give me time : ) Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Last day of prometrium...

I should start my cycle tomorrow or Friday. Then on day 5-9, I take 100mg of clomid a day. Here we go again with the clomid. I hate it. I get hot flashes and very, VERY moody. And I seem to cry over everything... But if that's what it take to get me closer to motherhood, I'll do it. Shoot, by now I'd do just about anything. I conceived on 150mg of clomid last time but maybe it won't take as much this time. I am trying not to get my hopes up but that's certainly easier said than done.

Today has been a hard day. I find myself keeping track of how far along I'd be if I hadn't lost our baby. Tomorrow would be 23 weeks... Everybody says "you can't do that to yourself", but please, tell me how to just shut it off because I would be more than happy to do that. To not get sad after seeing a baby or pregnant women. To not be sad when I hear my friends talk about how their pregnancies are going. To not be sad when I see the Motherhood gift card that I received right after finding out I was pregnant, sitting on my kitchen shelf just waiting to be used. But, with all of that said, I know that it's all in God's hands and he must have one VERY special baby planned for us. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself...