Short post...
I started my last round of clomid today. Well, my last round for awhile. I'm excited. I really am. And not just because I think it's going to work this time. But also because if it doesn't, I am looking forward to taking a break for a few months (shooting for 6 months but we'll see how that goes). My doctor bumped me up to 150mg since I didn't ovulate the last 2 cycles. 150mg is what I got pregnant on the last time. Could we be so lucky??
Now, speaking of clomid, I am NOT looking forward to the next 5 days. I have warned my husband (once again), so at least this time he's prepared.
I have also been doing really good on my diet. Only lost 2 lbs, but for 4 days, that's pretty good I think. No soda or fast food and I've also been walking at least a mile after work every day. It wears me out but hopefully before long, I'll be used to it and can gradually increase the distance.
Hope everyone has a good weekend!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Why....
I wonder how many times I've said and thought that one little word throughout this whole thing. Why not me? Why not now? Why us?
Found out last night that my best friend ever is pregnant. We (her, me and two of our other friends) had talked about how cool it would be to be pregnant at the same time. To set up play dates for our children who would grow up together. Well, now I'm the odd man out because I'm the only one who isn't pregnant. How is it that I can be so extremely happy for her but so sad at the same time? I feel like a bad person for feeling this way... I love her, and she deserves this more than anything. But...
why
not
me....
I cried all night last night. She was the one I went to when I was sad or when I heard that someone else was pregnant. What am I supposed to do now? I will say that she is the most understanding person I've ever met. Numerous times she told me "I want you to be able to express any emotion you have... happy and/or sad". She understands that this is hard for me. And I will say, that does help... a lot...
My husband tried to make me feel better. I'm just so tired of hearing "all in God's timing" or "it will happen when He thinks it's time". I really believe all of that. It's just that I can only hear that a certain amount of times before I snap. Was it God's timing when a 23 year old girl from my town decided to smother her 2 month old baby for an hour until he died?? Was it God's timing when the step mom from a surrounding town decided to put her 2 year old in scalding hot bath water to kill her?? This is exactly why I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND....
So, I have concluded that we will go through one more month of fertility medicine and doctor's appointments. After that, I'm taking a long break. The stress is killing me. I need to concentrate on myself. I'm going to try to get healthier, lose some weight. Who knows, maybe that's what it'll take to finally get pregnant. I have quite a few people who don't think a break is the right thing to do. But I feel that it's best for me. No more monthly med, no more charting my temp, and no more scheduling of sex...
I feel defeated...
Found out last night that my best friend ever is pregnant. We (her, me and two of our other friends) had talked about how cool it would be to be pregnant at the same time. To set up play dates for our children who would grow up together. Well, now I'm the odd man out because I'm the only one who isn't pregnant. How is it that I can be so extremely happy for her but so sad at the same time? I feel like a bad person for feeling this way... I love her, and she deserves this more than anything. But...
why
not
me....
I cried all night last night. She was the one I went to when I was sad or when I heard that someone else was pregnant. What am I supposed to do now? I will say that she is the most understanding person I've ever met. Numerous times she told me "I want you to be able to express any emotion you have... happy and/or sad". She understands that this is hard for me. And I will say, that does help... a lot...
My husband tried to make me feel better. I'm just so tired of hearing "all in God's timing" or "it will happen when He thinks it's time". I really believe all of that. It's just that I can only hear that a certain amount of times before I snap. Was it God's timing when a 23 year old girl from my town decided to smother her 2 month old baby for an hour until he died?? Was it God's timing when the step mom from a surrounding town decided to put her 2 year old in scalding hot bath water to kill her?? This is exactly why I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND....
So, I have concluded that we will go through one more month of fertility medicine and doctor's appointments. After that, I'm taking a long break. The stress is killing me. I need to concentrate on myself. I'm going to try to get healthier, lose some weight. Who knows, maybe that's what it'll take to finally get pregnant. I have quite a few people who don't think a break is the right thing to do. But I feel that it's best for me. No more monthly med, no more charting my temp, and no more scheduling of sex...
I feel defeated...
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